Motives

Week 1 Revisited: December 28, 2014 - January 3, 2015

Has my desire for growth and greatness in Christ turned into a desire to be great in others eyes and in ministry?

This is a question I have to grapple with often. If I were to be completely honest the desire to be someone great for the world to see (even if in the name of Jesus) feels like Spiderman and Venom to me. No matter how pure my motivations to be great/do ministry are: to see people come to Christ, to spread the Gospel, to develop others; they always somehow become covered in this disgusting desire to be seen as someone great in people's eyes. I then realize this and instead of looking to the root of the issue I have a habit of distancing myself from the vision/ministry activity I am pursuing to be rid of the venom-like motivator that has attached or to just beat myself up with guilt for having vain motivations at all. I then throw myself into the Word, serving, prayer and beg Christ to make me humble, to show me how to make Him proud, to show me how not to care about what others think, to purify my motivations, when all the while the only thing He really wants is to be with me and me with him. All the rest (growth, humility, ministry, influence, life-change) follows suit when Christ is truly at the center, not the desire to "grow" or to be seen or to be impressive. 

With that battle in mind when I go through a season of growth it begins with Christ taking something that I know in my head and allowing that head knowledge to resonate in my heart. Today I think my heart has finally clicked with the notion that true growth comes from seeking Christ for Christ's sake, not seeking Christ solely for growing. Growth comes from authentic relationship. Ministry is accomplished through that. This selfless pursuit of Christ creates a wisdom unparalleled by man because it isn't of man.  I have been trying to rush this lesson of from my head to my heart for months now, but apparently the Lord's timeline for that was a bit different. It simply took a conversation with a close friend who could see right through the crap that I say and draw out the truth behind my struggles.

I know this is a lesson I learn and relearn all the time. For most of you reading this concept is a no brainer, however, does your life reflect that head knowledge? My life obviously doesn't all the time. Most days the issue I am focusing on is different, but the lesson is the same: If Christ for Christ's sake isn't the sole cause of my relationship with him something in my life is bound to be off kilter. 

Here are some takeaways in case my written ramblings only make sense in my brain (which is always a possibility) 

1. If you seek Christ to be greater to men expect to be disappointed and disappointing. 

2. When impure motives arise, seek the core issue. Ask why you have dueling motivations. Then surrender them to Christ. Lord knows you can't defeat it yourself.  

3. Allow God to teach you in his time. Sometimes it takes longer than you want for a lesson to go from your head to your heart.

4. Ask yourself: Does the way you live your life and do ministry reflect what you say you believe? 

Encouraged

Week 1: March 23th-29th

This week has been full of it's ups and downs. At the beginning of the week I was feeling tired. Some backgound:

This semester has been a whirlwind. Due to FAFSA issues, I ended up having to pay for most of last semester in addition to my current semester costs. This resulted in my monthly payments more than tripling. Overwhelming? Yes. So this semester instead of going down to 20 work hours a week, because I am a student leader, intern, and full-time student, I increased to around 48+ a week to make ends meet.

Fast forward to now.

As I said I was feeling tired. I felt like I was doing everything and none of the things I was doing were in excellence. However, over leadership inservice Monday night, God reminded me who was going to get me through this: him. He knew my situation would change, who knew the commitments I would have, he knew I could do it IF I had him with me. I had to re-surrender myself.  I had to let go of the negativity I was speaking into my life, I had to let go of the entitlement I felt to having an easier life, and I had to let go of the notion that God wasn't in sync with my life. He refreshed my mind and my spirit and showed me he was my God, my rock. 

"For who is God, but the LORD? ANd who is a rock except our God?" - Samuel 22:32 

MAN I LOVE THAT. And let it be known that God does not just stop at scripture to remind us of truth, but he invades our life to show us truth. After that night God went out of his way to show me how I was succeeding. This week I scored the highest in the class on my World Religions exam, I scored a B+ on my Business exam (considering how I felt after taking it that is nothing short of a miracle), and my meeting with the Team: Sweden girls went so well! I was just grateful that I am not doing this on my own. 

So with this week in wrap and in beginning a new one I declare March 30th-April 5th to be one of dependence and strength. I declare successes, growth, sleep (please Lord), and a mighty rebuilding of myself. It's going to be a good one.