Has my desire for growth and greatness in Christ turned into a desire to be great in others eyes and in ministry?
This is a question I have to grapple with often. If I were to be completely honest the desire to be someone great for the world to see (even if in the name of Jesus) feels like Spiderman and Venom to me. No matter how pure my motivations to be great/do ministry are: to see people come to Christ, to spread the Gospel, to develop others; they always somehow become covered in this disgusting desire to be seen as someone great in people's eyes. I then realize this and instead of looking to the root of the issue I have a habit of distancing myself from the vision/ministry activity I am pursuing to be rid of the venom-like motivator that has attached or to just beat myself up with guilt for having vain motivations at all. I then throw myself into the Word, serving, prayer and beg Christ to make me humble, to show me how to make Him proud, to show me how not to care about what others think, to purify my motivations, when all the while the only thing He really wants is to be with me and me with him. All the rest (growth, humility, ministry, influence, life-change) follows suit when Christ is truly at the center, not the desire to "grow" or to be seen or to be impressive.
With that battle in mind when I go through a season of growth it begins with Christ taking something that I know in my head and allowing that head knowledge to resonate in my heart. Today I think my heart has finally clicked with the notion that true growth comes from seeking Christ for Christ's sake, not seeking Christ solely for growing. Growth comes from authentic relationship. Ministry is accomplished through that. This selfless pursuit of Christ creates a wisdom unparalleled by man because it isn't of man. I have been trying to rush this lesson of from my head to my heart for months now, but apparently the Lord's timeline for that was a bit different. It simply took a conversation with a close friend who could see right through the crap that I say and draw out the truth behind my struggles.
I know this is a lesson I learn and relearn all the time. For most of you reading this concept is a no brainer, however, does your life reflect that head knowledge? My life obviously doesn't all the time. Most days the issue I am focusing on is different, but the lesson is the same: If Christ for Christ's sake isn't the sole cause of my relationship with him something in my life is bound to be off kilter.
Here are some takeaways in case my written ramblings only make sense in my brain (which is always a possibility)
1. If you seek Christ to be greater to men expect to be disappointed and disappointing.
2. When impure motives arise, seek the core issue. Ask why you have dueling motivations. Then surrender them to Christ. Lord knows you can't defeat it yourself.
3. Allow God to teach you in his time. Sometimes it takes longer than you want for a lesson to go from your head to your heart.
4. Ask yourself: Does the way you live your life and do ministry reflect what you say you believe?
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